A question came to mind today while putting cheese on the shelf: how should one go about asking a girl out?
I've seen, heard, and even tried a few different methods, yet a consensus never seems to emerge on how it's properly done. Indeed, there seems to be a great variety of reasons for asking a girl out, in addition to methods one might employ. Alas, the reasons why one fellow asks a girl out is his own, and his mind may simultaneously contain all manner of ends. As such, it seems probable that specific reasons cannot here be deeply discussed; they simply vary too much, and may act in concert or parallel with one another. They are important though, and since they're liable to affect how one goes about the process, perhaps examples should be considered first.
In one example, I observed a fellow who, having spotted a girl he fancied, spent a little time gathering his courage before heading over to talk her up and "test the waters," as he put it. The idea, if all went well, was to ask her out at the conclusion of this introductory (and, I'm told, customary) period of chit-chat. As it turned out, the waters proved "just right" for the lad, and he asked the lady if she wanted to hang out that night, to which she answered yes. Apparently that meant they were dating. The fellow returned with a look of triumph on his face, and declared that he had a girlfriend. The chaps and I congratulated him on his fine showing and cool under pressure.
Another time one of the fellows, having spotted a girl he fancied, decided he wasn't courageous enough to say so. Despite this, he couldn't help gazing her way whenever she passed. Yet despite his obvious interest he never took a step toward getting to know her better. This went on almost a year, but then abruptly ended; he lost interest, he said, and that was that. Interestingly, his interest redoubled when one day she said hello to him off-hand. The fellow remained enchanted several months longer, but never made to talk with the lady.
In another example, a fellow was good friends with a lady he knew. They spent much time together, but never made to take up dating. After a time the fellow did become interested in the lady that way, but didn't want to risk the friendship they had by saying so. He reasoned, if she said yes everything would be alright; yet if she said no, how could their friendship ever be the same? Such was the dilemma the fellow faced, when one day he finally broached the subject with his friend, and they became a couple.
How do all these cases conclude? In the first the case, the relationship lasted a short (and I'm told, "glorious") while, but ended when she "nagged too much," and he "never paid attention." In the second case, the enchanted fellow watched as another guy started talking up the girl he liked, and and not long after that the two of them became a couple. They are still together to this day, and the enchanted fellow at first became jealous, but then fell under the spell of a new "enchantress." He hasn't talked to her yet either.
In the third case, the relationship went well for a time until it didn't; it seems that good friendships do not always make good couples. The greater time and intimacy together exposed each member to aspects of the other not previously seen; a closer relationship meant different expectations, responsibilities, and necessary tolerances to make it work. Finally the lady said it wasn't working and wanted to break the matter off while, if possible, still remaining friends. They tried to remain friends, but the "step-down" as one of them called it from a relationship back to "just friendship" proved intolerable to the either party, and today they only rarely speak.
Which brings us back to the original question: how should one go about asking a girl out? In two of the three cases, the guy ended up in a relationship with the girl, yet both ended in a break-up. The fellow in the first case seemed happy for the intimacy he enjoyed, but by the end he was back to square one, and already the lady was telling all her friends what a "jerk" he had been. His next foray could prove more difficult than the first. In the third case, the close friendship seemed to bode well for a stable, happy relationship, yet it proved otherwise. For one reason or another, their friendship failed to reveal to each deeper incompatibilities which ultimately made intimate relations intolerable. In the end the fellow gambled not only his own friendship with the lady but also her friendship with him, and they both lost.
I suspect the first fellow wasn't particularly interested in a long, stable relationship, yet it also seems possible that in time he would prefer one to always "chasing the biddies," and making more enemies than friends. The second fellow seemed interested in a relationship of some kind (or maybe he just liked to gawk), but unless a lady just suddenly fell into his lap it seems likely his inaction would always leave him in Singledom (Kingdom of the Singles).
And in the final case, the fellow took a risk based on the idea that a sound friendship should yield a sound relationship. That it didn't could indicate that such logic is never true, but I suspect that would go too far. The example does, however, suggest the inherent risk in any attempt at establishing a long-term relationship along such lines; one risks whenever putting one's self out there, but the risk is even higher when the other person involved is a good friend, for no small reason that they share the risk too.
So how should one ask a lady out? I guess it depends really, first on what you want, and second on how much you're willing to risk in the effort. The world is full of other examples in which people who meet at first sight fall in love and stay together their whole lives, as well as those in which people spend their whole lives with partners who make them utterly miserable. Perhaps you know them (or are) them. Whether you make the leap or not is a question for you and your circumstances, but as someone once told me at the dawn of my first relationship 7 years ago:
"I tell you what, asking a girl out is only the beginning; the experience is gonna cause you both to grow, sometimes closer together, and other times farther apart. You can make an educated guess at the start as to which it will be, but you won't know until after it happens. As with growing plants you can't force it...you can only nurture it, love it, and give it space to thrive or fail in its own time. Yessir, asking a girl out is a scary proposition, but it's only the first step, and not even the most important."
Something to ponder maybe.
Happy Monday, friends :)
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