Friendship

Mahatma Gandhi once said "Where there is love there is life." In a similar vein perhaps, it may also be true that where there are people there are also friends.

Of friends, there seem to be many different kinds: close friends, distant friends; romantic friends, drinking friends; school friends, home friends; work friends, facebook friends; family friends, and friends of friends. The list could probably go on, but by now you probably get the picture that friends can come in all variety of forms.

Sometimes one friend can fall into multiple categories of friendship, either consecutively or simultaneously. For example in college I observed on numerous occasions school and/or drinking friends becoming romantic friends by way of inebriation and impaired judgment. Sometimes this even led them to become facebook friends, though only if their recollection and/or other drinking friends alerted them to the interaction they may or may not have consciously experienced. Romantic friendship can also lead to close friendship, sometimes for a season and other times a deal longer. So by the end of a particularly "busy" weekend, two school and/or drinking friends may end up becoming romantic friends, facebook friends, and close friends all in the blink of a not-exactly-lazy-but-not-exactly-swift blink of an eye.

Frequently I hear people describe friendship as a kind of hierarchy, from low to high (as in "held in high esteem," not "high as a kite," though both might be true), and from close to distant. Close friends may be those with whom one spends a lot of time, or whose company one particular enjoys. Distant friends might be more like acquaintance or people one sees regularly, but with which one does not typically seek out interaction.

Close and distant friends seem to interact in different ways. For example, the types of conversations one might have with a close friend are probably different from those one might have with an acquaintance; close friends tend to know each other better, and may reveal a different "self" in conversation than two people who may or may not know each other's names. It may also be true that close friends act in different ways toward one another. I recall one notable incident in college during which a fellow walked up to a table in Wismer (the school cafeteria), and greeted another fellow with an elaborate handshake, and a few words which I probably should not repeat. In any case, the friend at the table had around him some other friends which the first fellow evidently did not know. At the conclusion of a brief introduction, the friend at the table said, "Yeah, me and [the first fellow's name] go back like rockin' chairs." At this point, the first fellow seems to have become a friend of a friend to the others at the table.

Finally there is sometimes difficulty when one kind of friendship becomes another. A close friend with whom one falls out over time due to distance or a change in schedule may still be close, but the relationship is less clear than when it was regularly renewed. Romantic partners who break-up may still wish to be friends, but might find the change from partner status to "just friend" a difficult bridge to cross. Indeed, how does one step back from being a close type of romantic friend to one that is not nearly as close? It seems to me a hard question, and the resulting difficulty might make such changes hard to manage. How frequently does one see ex's become good friends after they break-up? It happens sure, but why so rarely?

Is it because some types of close relationships are somehow different from others? Can a person "love" another without "liking" them too?  I don't know, but it might be true. Plenty of relationships begin without a close friendship proceeding it, and end without the development of any replacement friendship beyond "undesirable acquaintance." Perhaps more than any other, romantic relationships seem to be some of the hardest from which to adapt to a new type of friendship. Is that because they are the "closest" type of friendship? There may be something to that, but other types of friendships can be just as close, and they seem to hold up better than romantic friendships for whatever reason.

Does that mean that close, non-romantic friendships are superior to romantic friendships? I don't think that is necessarily so, but romantic relationships do seem to require different things for maintenance. For instance, many would probably agree that with romantic friendships, you can and should only maintain one at a time. This is not true of close, non-romantic friendships; those you can have as many as you like. I like this aspect of close, non-romantic friendships, because you never who will come along in your life who just meshes so harmoniously with your thoughts and feelings. In such cases, one is free to accept another's friendship with open arms, the way I should like to greet everyone I meet in life.

In the case of romantic friendships, one is not typically permitted to welcome others into that circle when it is already occupied by another. As such, romantic relationships are indeed close, so close that perhaps there simply isn't space for another. That is constricting from one point of view, but perhaps it is also uplifting. Imagine sharing a connection that by its nature cannot be shared with any other. That is quite a friendship to have, or indeed to lose. No wonder so many people feel upset when their romantic relationship falls through. And perhaps it is also no wonder that such relationships so rarely become a different kind of friendship later.

Friendship is a curious subject, and one which words are, frankly, ill-equipped to describe. I've been fortunate to have wonderful friendships of all degrees and forms in my life, and it seems I'm always amazed when I meet them again somewhere under the sun. They help me in so many ways, and I hope I might learn by their example and reciprocate. For better or worse, we are all partners on our journey through life.

So Happy Sunday, friends, and thank you for everything :)