How to be a Happy Hermit

A few days ago, I came across an interesting talk by a Buddhist monk named Ajahn Brahm entitled "To be a Happy Hermit." In it, Ajahn Brahm describes how time spent alone ("hermit moments") allow people to develop a better relationship with themselves, and thereby a better relationship with everyone else. It's a nice video if you have time to watch (it's about 55 minutes all told), but if not I'll try and describe the pertinent points below.

 As a monk who lives in a cave, Mr. Brahm is often asked if he feels lonely. He says he doesn't, and the reason is because being alone has allowed him to get to know himself. In a manner of speaking, he has become "best friends" with himself. That sounds a bit strange at first, but the more upon it he elaborates the less strange it sounds.

See, Mr. Brahm suggests that a great many people can't stand to be alone because they don't particularly like themselves. They think they're too fat, too stupid, or just not up to the level at which they should be.

Have you ever felt this way? I know I have, particularly around exam times or when filling out graduate school applications. You have an image of what perfection should look like, and you lament at the incongruousness between that image and how you view yourself. Some go so far as to hate themselves for being so different from the image in their head, while others simply don't like themselves.

In an earlier post we discussed a similar problem related to the "self-improvement urge," considering the place of contentment in growing as a person. Ajahn Brahm presents a similar conclusion, suggesting that spending time with oneself allows a person to realize that for all the faults and mistakes of the past, "I'm okay" (Before I continue, just imagine a jolly Australian monk saying this with a big grin). "There's nothing wrong with you," says Mr. Brahm, "when they gave out a body and a mind, they didn't make a mistake with you." By accepting yourself--faults and all--you can become friends with yourself, and not wage a constant "war" inside your head. According to Mr. Brahm this is critical, because a healthy relationship with yourself is critical for developing a healthy relationship with others.

Mr. Brahm suggests this is because those who don't seek to find fault with themselves are less likely to seek fault in others. If you can accept and be kind to yourself, you can accept and be kind to other people too. For Ajahn Brahm that starts with yourself, particularly in those "hermit moments" when you and yourself are all alone together. Learn to be kind and treat yourself well, and it will help you learn how to be kind and treat others well.

There's another side to it, however. Mr. Brahm suggests that by accepting yourself, you learn to stop striving after things and relax. It's amazing actually the similarities on this point between Ajahn Brahm and New Zealand running coach Arthur Lydiard, who use to implore runners "train, don't strain." For Lydiard distance runners had to learn how to relax; this was absolutely necessary for peak performance. Ajahn Brahm appears to agree, suggesting that people will see more improvement if they learn to relax and accept themselves for who they are.

So to sum up, Ajahn Brahm suggests that to be happy hermit (and indeed, a happy person), one should try and cultivate a happy, healthy relationship with one's self. Doing so teaches a person how to cultivate such relationships with others, and creates a kind of contentment that allows a person to relax and perform at their best. If you can make peace with yourself, perhaps peace with everyone is possible. Something to consider.

Happy Tuesday :)